My Experience as a Female Geek

As a female who self-identifies as a geek, I am aware that there exists a perception that women are rarely “real” geeks, and that, accordingly, females need to prove their geekiness to be accepted as a full member of the community. (If you are also a geek, of either gender, you probably don’t need examples of this; if you are unfamiliar with this situation, though, please see this editorial on an inflammatory Facebook post from comic artist Tony Harris [note the comic at the end, too], this article about gaming as a female, and this CNN blog post.) It appears that, over the past few months, there have been quite a lot of women, and some men, taking to the Internet to complain about this opinion, and I’m glad. As a female and as a mature, sensible human being, I think it’s an awful mentality that absolutely should be fought against. Honestly, I thought the geek “community,” as it were, was supposed to be a place where people who may not fit in elsewhere can finally find a home - it was certainly not meant to be yet another gated community one could only join if they had the right credentials. (And it is a community-wide issue, not solely applicable to females: I know men can be deemed unworthy, too, if they aren’t experts in every subject a geek, ahem, “should” be an expert in.)

But I’m afraid I don't plan to lend my voice to this fight, beyond my previous paragraph. Why? Because, quite frankly... I can’t. I have no ammunition. See, I have never in my entire life been a victim of prejudice from male geeks (or female geeks, for that matter). Yes, the prejudice exists, and it should be fought - but I’m saddened that so many of the posts seem to largely ignore the existence of male geeks who do not hold those low opinions of their female counterparts. I think that’s unfair, really. To assume that the ideologies of one subset of the culture is indicative of male geeks as a whole, is like walking into Mordor (with difficulty, of course) and expecting the behavior witnessed there to be indicative of the entirety of Middle Earth.

So I’m here to defend the noble Men of Gondor, and the Rohirrim, and the Rangers, and the Dwarves and Hobbits and Elves... Otherwise known as Every Male Geek that I Have Had the Pleasure to Meet and the Honor to Call My Friend. (Yes, that means you!) Not every male geek is an Orc - er, a judgmental, arrogant jerk. In fact, my personal experience leads me to believe that the majority of male geeks do not fit that mold - just as my personal experience leads me to believe that most female geeks do not deserve to be labelled “attention-seeking posers,” either.

For example, I present the first club I joined as a Freshman at Fordham University: the Contemporary Science Fiction Club. CSF (as we’re known) is chock-full of some of the most welcoming, accepting, kind people I have ever met. That fully applies to both the male and the female club members, of course, but I’ll be focusing on my relationship to/with the guys, since they’re the reason I’m writing. During my four years at Fordham (and continuing post-graduation), these were some of my experiences with the CSF guys:

-- They invited me to play video games with them, and never laughed at how awful I was (though they quite fairly laughed with me, sometimes, when I made fun of myself).
-- They suggested anime titles that they felt were good starting points for the uninitiated, such as I was.
-- They filled me in on the backstories of superheroes whose comics I’d never read, without scoffing at my ignorance.
-- They sought me out when they wanted to know more/ talk about “Doctor Who,” which was (and is) my personal forte. They also sought me out for discussions on “Firefly”/”Serenity,” and, more recently, “A Song of Ice and Fire”/”Game of Thrones.”
-- A few of my friends in the club introduced me to D&D, and invited me into their party; I still play with them now.
-- My boyfriend, a fellow CSF-er, taught me to play Magic: The Gathering (though my Dad taught me the basics when I was in middle school) and, along with some of my other friends, provided many helpful hints and tips (and sometimes, cards!) in our early games. Also, they have all offered to help if I ever have deck-building questions. (I’ve already taken them up on this.)
-- One of my friends has taught me (and the whole of CSF) how to play so many board games it’s actually unbelievable.

And in case it seems like they were being nice to only me: Every club member, to the best of my knowledge, has experienced the same welcoming environment. Additionally, CSF routinely opened our meetings to people who didn’t even self-identify as “geeks” at all, but had a lot of friends in the club and/or wanted to watch a specific movie or play a specific game. Basically, if you wanted to be there, you were welcome - regardless of gender, regardless of geek knowledge. The more, the merrier seemed to be the motto of CSF, and let me tell you, we were (and are!) one big, merry bunch.

Mind you, I fully believe that CSF is special - being a member of CSF has consistently felt less like belonging to a club, and more like belonging to a family. In that way, I think CSF is an anomaly: we’re not indicative of the whole of geek culture, because we’re extra-awesome. (I may just be biased, though.)

Even so, I still believe that most male geeks are more like the men I’ve befriended in CSF, and less like the immature, ignorant guys trolling the Internet and the occasional convention. Why? Well, besides the special case that is CSF, my experience as a geek girl looks like this: I was one of only 3 girls on my high school’s robotics team of 13. I have attended many cons, and struck up conversations with male fellow-con-goers (and guests). I have visited the sci-fi club meetings of two universities besides Fordham (Cardiff University and the University of Nottingham). I have even held a small role in a “Firefly”/”Serenity”-based fan film, “Browncoats: Redemption.” And never once, in any of these settings, have I encountered the dreaded Judgemental Male Geek. Never once have I been questioned. Never once have I felt out of place. Never once have I felt the need to prove myself.

Let me stress this: Never. Even. Once.

I know I’m just one woman, and I can’t speak for every geeky female on the planet. But I have met, and befriended, far too many wonderful geeky men to believe that the norm of males in this social group is immaturity and cruelty. I firmly believe that the norm is kindness and acceptance toward everyone; the norm is making new friends, not alienating people.

So, to my geeky guy friends and family members: Thank you for disproving the stereotype, for always making me feel welcome, and for making it so easy for me to write this. And to all of the open-minded, open-hearted geeky men everywhere, my friends and family included: Regardless of the recent opinion pieces that may seem to suggest otherwise, it is known that you’re not all judgmental jerks - and that just as most geeky women deserve better than their perception, so do you deserve better than yours.

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[Author’s note, 1/24/13: This entry is one of the pieces I mentioned in my introductory post - one that I’d written before I had a blog. I'd originally posted this a couple of weeks ago with an apology for being a bit "late to the party," as the topic was more timely when it was written a couple of months ago, than when it was first posted. Then, today, I read an article whose comment section demonstrated that I may not be as late to the party as I'd thought... Or hoped.

The topic of the article was not quite in the same vein as the issue that prompted my original entry, but the attitude presented by many (though not all) of the commenters was the same: a tendency toward painting all male geeks with the same, highly unflattering, brush. So although the entry below begins with a reference to a specific problem within geek culture, please be aware that my argument at large is applicable other discussions, as well: as I cannot think of any behavior of which all male geeks are guilty, my argument would remain the same even as particular accusations change.]

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[Author's Note #2, 7/25/15, which is really more of a full post than a "note," so forget the italics; I'd put it in its own post, but I want to keep all of this together in one place: 

Re-reading this post now - two-and-a-half years after posting it - I feel like I got overzealous and heavy-handed in trying to show how great the geek community is. Although I did mention, at the start of the original post, that it's important to share the negative stories, and that I completely believed that those things were happening - I did nothing (or, at best, not nearly enough) in the body of my post to demonstrate that I really meant that, or that I cared. The last thing I wanted was to seem unsympathetic, but considering that I went so far as to say that I would "not lend my voice" to this fight against disrespectful behavior, it looks to me as if "unsympathetic" is exactly how I came off. I apologize for that.

I like to think that I know better now. I absolutely want to lend my voice, however I can. I am lucky that my own voice, even a couple of years later, is still entirely positive - and I do still believe that it's important for me to share that, because I want people to see (in the paraphrased words of Sam Gamgee) that there's some good left in this community - and that it's worth fighting for. But I understand, now, that wanting to promote positive stories, doesn't - and shouldn't - preclude me from addressing the negative ones, too. People are sometimes made to feel as if they are not wanted here, and they deserve to be heard. I will happily boost the signal for them, if it will help.

So, I'd like to try again, if I may:

I hate that, within the geek community - my community - there are people committed to the utterly nonsensical idea that this is some kind of gated community. I hate that there are people here who want to shut out anyone who doesn't fit their narrow idea of what a geek "should" be. It's unfair, disrespectful, and rude. And, frankly, it's ridiculous: "geek" is a one-size-fits-all title!

But, as a female geek myself, I want to assure you that it's not all doom-and-gloom here. Personally, I love being a part of the geek community. LOVE it. This is, without a doubt, my home, wherever in the world I find myself. These are my people, even if I'm meeting them for the first time - because the vast majority of people I've encountered in this community, have been positively lovely, wonderful people, many of whom I have been lucky enough to grow to call my friends.

Yes, unfortunately, there are jerks here, too (as there are in any large-enough group of people), and yes, they are loud and obnoxious and awful. But, they are the minority, and they neither represent, nor speak for, the larger community. In fact, the larger community is taking this issue more and more seriously, as it should be, and is putting real effort into preventing/reprimanding that kind of behavior - especially as more and more people make it clear, as they should be, that they will not tolerate it. (This is why it's so important to share negative experiences: the more attention is called to it, the more that the majority of the community will join in to push back against it. Because, again: we do not tolerate this.) We have a ways left to go, but we are making great strides.

So I hope you'll come on in and have fun with us here in the geek community, despite (and in spite of) the few jerks who may wish you'd stay out. Don't stay out. Don't give them that satisfaction. Don't let a few bad eggs stop you from loving what you love, and sharing that with other (awesome) people who love it, too. I promise we'll be so happy to have you! I don't even know who you are (yet!), but I'm making you that promise anyway, because this is not a gated community. You belong here, and you are wanted here, and you matter here, and you are welcome here. Don't let anyone try to tell you otherwise. <3]